Part 1  Undoing the Way We See Things Now

LESSON 182 I will be still an instant and go home.

  1. This world you seem to live in is not home to you.  And somewhere in your mind you know that this is true.  A memory of home keeps haunting you, as if there were a place that called you to return, although you do not recognize the voice, nor what is it the voice reminds you of.  Yet still you feel an alien here, from somewhere all unknown.  Nothing so definite that you could say with certainty you are an exile here.  Just a persistent feeling, sometimes not more than a tiny throb, at other times hardly remembered, actively dismissed, but surely to return to mind again.
  2. No one but knows whereof we speak.  Yet some try to put by their suffering in games they play to occupy their time and keep their sadness from them.  Others will deny that they are sad, and do not recognize their tears at all.  Still others will maintain that what we speak of is illusion, not to be considered more than but dream.  Yet who, in simple honesty, without defensiveness and self-deception, would deny he understands the words we speak?
  3. We speak today for everyone who walks this world, for he is not at home.  He goes uncertainty about in endless search, seeking in darkness what he cannot find; not recognizing what it is he seeks.  A thousand homes he makes, yet none contents his restless mind.  He does not understand he builds in vain.  The home he seeks can not be made by him.  There is no substitute for Heaven.  All he ever made was hell.
  4. Perhaps you think it is your childhood home that you would find again.  The childhood of your body, and its place of shelter, are a memory now so distorted that you merely hold a picture of a past that never happened.  Yet there is a Child in you Who seeks His Father’s house and knows that He is alien here.  This childhood is eternal, with an innocence that will endure forever.  Where this Child shall go is holy ground.  It is His holiness that lights up Heaven, and that brings to earth the pure reflection of the light above, wherein are earth and Heaven joined as one.
  5. It is this Child in you your Father knows as His Own Son.  It is this Child Who knows His Father.  He desires to go home so deeply, so unceasingly, His voice cries unto you to let Him rest a while.  He does not ask for more than just a few instants of respite; just an interval in which He can return to breathe again the holy air that fills His Father’s house.  You are His home as well.  He will return.  But give Him just a little time to be Himself, within the peace that is His home, resting in silence and in peace and love. 
  6. This Child needs your protection.  He is far from home.  He is so little that He seems so easily shut out, His tiny voice so readily obscured.  His call for help almost unheard amid the grating sounds and harsh and rasping noises of the world.  Yet does He know that in you still abides His sure protection.  You will fail Him not.  He will go home, and you along with Him.
  7. This Child is your defenselessness; your strength.  He trusts in you.  He came because He knew you would not fail.  He whispers of His home unceasingly to you.  For He would bring you back with Him, that He Himself might stay, and not return where He does not belong, and where He lives an outcast in a world of alien thoughts.  His patience has no limits.  He will wait until you hear His gentle Voice within you, calling you to let Him go in peace, along with you, to where He is at home and you with Him.
  8. When you are still an instant, when the world recedes from you, when valueless ideas ceases to have value in your restless mind, then will you hear His Voice.  So poignantly He calls to you that you will not resist Him longer.  In that instant He will take you to His home, and you will stay with Him in perfect stillness, silent and at peace, beyond all words, untouched by fear and doubt, sublimely certain that you are at home.
  9. Rest with Him frequently today.  For He was willing to become a little Child that you might learn of Him how strong is he who comes without defenses, offering only love’s messages to those who think he is their enemy.  He holds the might of Heaven in His hand and calls them friend, and gives His strength to them, that they may see He would be Friend to them.  He asks that they protect Him, for His home is far away, and He will not return to it alone.
  10. Christ is reborn as but a little Child each time a wanderer would leave his home.  For he must learn that what he would protect is but this Child, Who comes defenseless and Who is protected by defenselessness.  Go home with Him from time to time today.  You are as much an alien here as He.
  11. Take time today to lay aside your shield which profits nothing and lay down the spear and sword you raised against an enemy without existence.  Christ has called you friend and brother.  He has even come to ask your help in letting Him go home today, completed and completely.  He has come as does a little child, who must beseech his father for protection and for love.  He rules the universe, and yet He asks unceasingly that you return with Him and take illusions as your gods no more.
  12. You have not lost your innocence.  It is for this you yearn.  This is your heart’s desire.  This is the voice you hear, and this the call which cannot be denied.  The holy Child remains with you.  His home is yours.  Today He gives you His defenselessness, and you accept it in exchange for all the toys of battle you have made.  And now the way is open, and the journey has an end in sight at last.  Be still an instant and go home with Him and be at peace a while.

Personal Notes and Application:   I nosed about on Facebook and got my feelings hurt and feel the alien and the outcast with my extended family.  And now I suffer self-doubts and questionings, loneliness, and a deep sense of despair.  Yet I know that this is a lie.  They are not my salvation and never have been!  I have tried to make them my salvation with special relationships, which filled me with a keener sense of alienation the harder I worked to make them special and have meaning.  I know that I did it in the wrong way and that instead of loving them, I wanted them to love me and prefer me.  I know that it was an unholy competition that did us in; we forgot who we were and what we were about.  We despised each other instead of loving one another.  Our interactions motivated by jealousy, resentment, and hostility – we passed back and forth between each other and called “love.”

I experiencing this feeling of utter loneliness as if a door has been slammed in my face.  I am experiencing this on the one level and on the other hand, I know that they are not my real family and that it is all lesson material and that the stories that I am telling myself are the ego’s version according to the Course.  That none of this has really happened!  I think of all the mean and unloving things that were said and done on both sides of the coin, and I can tell myself that it never happened, and here’s the thing:  I know that it did happen.  It may be in the past, but the past happened.  And the past keeps biting me trying to recreate itself in my future by its stamp upon my memories.  And I love the holy instant, the practice of it, and just giving up the past.  Letting it all go and denying it.  Giving it no place in my mind because it was an unloving past and things were said and done that were not from love and always had a big price tag with the word SACRIFICE stamped upon it, and this is what makes it not real.  I do not have to accept it as real because it is in the past, and because it was not love and therefore it cannot last except in time where the memories grow old and shabby like everything else – a boring, trite grudge that kills and sucks the joy out of things. 

Oh, this is what it means.  Jesus isn’t saying that it didn’t happen.  All kinds of things “happen” in time – things without number – they just don’t mean anything, and they don’t last forever, and so I can free myself from them and deny they ever happened because they are in the sea of the past which never “was” in an eternal sense.  I don’t have to activate it; in fact, I am told not to activate it.  Not to even look at it or try to figure it out because there is no figuring out the chaos of the separated mind, which is the ego.  It is fear-based and not love-based.  I lived a fear-based, temporal existence and no longer live there and I cannot give it any credence at all by thinking about it, talking about it, or delving into it and discussing it – not now and not ever.  I didn’t know who I was, and now I am getting to know who I am, and it has nothing at all to do with anything in the past. 

Can I accept this as my identity?  Can I look upon them all with abstract love and not get personal?  It is the personal, individualized impersonation of love that gets people into trouble – the “special” relationships that Jesus speaks of in the Course.  He looked upon his mother and his brothers and sisters and said that they were not his family.  If Jesus said that, then why am I boohooing about people who never brought me any happiness or joy or ongoing meaning without sacrifice and ego demands that were becoming increasingly hard to bear? I ask for my true identity, my true family, and I the Holy Spirit to fill my mind and show me the truth of this matter in such a way that I am all in, and do not look back. 

In living the present moment, in not activating the past – then I free myself from it.  Holy Spirit doesn’t do it for me.  Jesus doesn’t do it for me.  I must do it.  I must, just like a spirit set free from the body, give it up myself.  Just lay it down.  Live as if I am already free of the body and all its false connections with the ego-based world.  Thus I am set free.