Undoing the Way We See Things Now
I am not a body. I am free, for I am still as God created me.
- (196) It can be but myself I crucify.
All that I do, I do unto myself. If I attack, I suffer. But if I forgive, salvation will be given me.
I am not a body. I am free. For I am still as God created me.
Ever since I read the lesson review earlier this morning, the Holy Spirit has been showing me, because I asked, how I crucify myself. How easy I find it to bring other people’s sins to the light, but not necessarily my own. It was a difficult truth – I was doing okay in this walk, I love Jesus, I understand the basic concepts of the Course, and do my best to practice them: I brought the darkness of the ego to Holy Spirit, and now am free to accept my Self as a Son of God. And now the uncomfortable truth – this Course is not the playful game of salvation that it says it is!
I left my lesson to go outside for deck gardening – perhaps to get away from the implications of this – perhaps because it is a glorious sunny morning here in Mooresburg, Pennsylvania, and I wanted to get a head start on the outside work since the forecast predicts another scorcher of a day. No matter, the lesson followed me, the Holy Spirit showed me the times that I was so happy to bring the mistakes of my coworkers to the Holy Spirit in utter impatience and indignation – the way they gossiped, the way they spent company time sniping about others, the way they were not the least bit professional. Deliver me from them; I would pray. I could not stand the way they behaved. Now I was reminded of the times I gossiped, the times I played on company time, the times I did not act professionally. Dear readers, it was so painful! It didn’t stop there.
The Holy Spirit brought to mind how often my ego will list the shortcomings of young women regarding their mothering skills, while blinding me to my failures to be a good example, make wise choices, guide my children, and teach them right from wrong. Oh, no, I said. I do not want to look at that. It was so long ago. But I do have to look at it and remember. It was buried and hidden, covered up by all the judgment I am quick to dish out for others. It didn’t stop there.
Holy Spirit brought to my mind all the times that I had judged hard-working Lover for not completing projects, and yet how long it is taking me to write Grover Good! There are days I don’t even think about it; weeks go by before I sit down and write a word. And yet I will gripe to myself about how long it is taking Lover to finish the house, tile the pantry walls, and seal the deck.
I thought of how quick I am to judge a particular brother for how he speaks so disparagingly of his son, and the Holy Spirit brought to my mind how I have talked disparagingly of my children – in anger, in spite, in resentment. How could I have ever said such things? There was no excuse for it! There was more.
I had struck out in anger at this one and that one, said mean things, made fun, pointed a finger. In each instance, the ego was hiding my own gluttony, potty mouth, bad manners, arrogance, poor decisions, and sexual misconduct behind the projections I chose to cast upon others.
I am thankful for Holy Spirit’s light. Holy Spirit has only my best interests at heart, making more apparent each lesson how insidious the ego is: the strongholds, the seductions, the lies, and manipulations that keep me blind to its illusions played upon the screen of my mind.
Ken Wapnick, one of the original teachers of the Course states in his audio workshop “Living the Course,” that this is a course in uncovering and saying “no” to the ego, because in saying “no” to the ego, there is no other choice but choosing God. It is a course, he says, for very few, because undoing the ego feels like death. We begin to see all the things we hold dear about ourselves and the world, for the lies and nothingness they are.
My resolve then is to practice letting the projections I am quick to spot in others, expose the darkness I am not looking at within. If I attack, I suffer. If I forgive, salvation is mine. Praise God!