Part 1 Undoing the Way We See Things Now
Lesson 85 Today’s review will cover these ideas:
- (69) My grievances hide the light of the world in me. My grievances show me what is not there and hide from me what I would see. Recognizing this, what do I want my grievances for? They keep me in darkness and hide the light. Grievances and light cannot go together, but light and vision must be joined for me to see. To see, I must lay grievances aside. I want to see, and this will be the means by which I will succeed.
- Specific applications for this idea might be made in these forms: Let me not use this as a block to sight. The light of the world will shine all this away. I have no need for this. I want to see.
- (70) My salvation comes from me. Today I will recognize where my salvation is. It is in me because its Source is there. It has not left its Source, and so it cannot have left my mind. I will not look for it outside myself. It is not found outside and then brought in. But from within me it will reach beyond, and everything I see will but reflect the light yhat shines in me and in itself.
- These forms of the idea are suitable for more specific applications: Let this not tempt me to look away from me for my salvation. I will not let this interfere with my awareness of the Source of my salvation. This has no power to remove salvation from me.
Notes and Personal Application (2019): Lesson 69 – My Grievances Hide the Light of the World in Me: Let me not use this block, this antagonism that I am projecting on to my sorority to hide the light of the world in me! In ridding myself of the “useless journey” materials this morning, the binder full of little things from the association, I found myself feeling both defensive and antagonistic toward the dear sisters. None of it was anything but ashes in my mind, another useless journey, another silly exclusive group made up of even more exclusive smaller and clubbier groups, another lesson in loneliness. In running from what I am called to do, I sought refuge in an organization that seemed to spell sisterhood. Nobody forced me to join. In fact, I chose to join on my own free will. And yet, this morning I felt a grievance toward the organization for their meaningless rituals, the boring meetings, the self-congratulatory celebrations, private cliques, and over-priced, lackluster dinners.
Let this silly grievance toward this particular organization not hide the light of the world in me, O Lord. The truth is that I woke up in the night feeling grieved toward myself for failed relationships, for how disappointed I end up being whenever I join with others, for projects that I lost interest in, for not writing my book, for not caring enough about our property, for not being as good, smart, accomplished, and generous as other people. I felt so short-changed – not so much in that I was being short-changed, but that I was short-changing everyone and everything in my life by this inability I have to be satisfied with what the world offers. I go looking for something only to end up feeling bitter and disappointed, a sense of meaninglessness, a sense of despair and impending death. I think, Oh I will find what I am looking for in this, or in that. During the last year or so it was in joining clubs. No sooner had I gone through the required rites, memorized the pledges, belted out their tuneless songs, pitched in one fundraiser or charitable project after another, I lost eternal interest, in both sororities and the women who join them. I have never felt more adrift than I feel when I am with them! I did my best to fit in. At first it feels nice, and then it becomes a chore, and then it becomes an impossibility.
I both despise myself for being like this and also like it about myself. I feel like Lucifer in that Netflix show we were watching – at first it is, “Oh look at them, aren’t they so cute with their this and their that and how important they obviously feel,” and then it turns to: “Oh my word, how tedious and dull can we get!” And then I have to drop them, or I am driven by mean and nasty observations of how self-satisfied with games of nothingness they are. Lord, I do not want to be this way. I do not want my ego to tempt me to hold these ridiculous grievances against others. Let me not use this grievance as a block to sight. Let the light of the world shine all this away. I have no need to be like this. I do not know who I am, or what I am doing, where I am, or how to see the world or me in it. I thought I knew a lot about myself, but I know nothing. I want to know! I want to see.
Jesus spoke to my heart, and here, in part, is what He said: You have always had a Holy Spirit that you chose to ignore and run from…God made you and God put His Spirit in you and it is only a matter of time before you understand completely that this is not only your only function but your joy and bliss. You can join all the clubs in the world, and you will find them and the people in them to be as the dead. There is not a club in the world that will ever take the place of the Holy Spirit’s working through you and in you and being your true self. You have no need at all to hold a grudge or harbor ill feelings toward the clubs! Or for yourself for that matter. It is more than alright that you have traveled many different paths trying to find what has been inside of you. This is the way you find who you are not and what you are not. This is a necessary process in time – you are here to find what light is not, what love is not, what salvation is not. This is what Time is for. It will last for you for as long as it takes you to realize the truth of the matter. You were made by Love and for Love. The Holy Spirit is in you and cannot be removed. The Call of God is on your life and you will never find peace or joy, satisfaction, love or belonging in any other avenue. Do not make this hard on yourself. Do not castigate yourself for the avenues you have already explored and explore as many others as you want without reproof or words of spite toward yourself. I give you my permission, Eckie. Seriously, and yet of course not seriously as well, because I know your heart and how spent it is on all the effort you have made to find who you are in the world…The enjoyment of anything other than what you are created for will never last, but continue to seek and enjoy them if you can, Eckie. But know this: Your grievances toward that which disappoints and fails to satisfy dims your light and lengthens your time in the shadows.
Evening fifteen minutes of meditative writing for Lesson 70 My Salvation Comes From Me: Today we will recognize where our salvation is – it is in us and has been in us all along. God created us and put His Holy Spirit in our heart. The Source of our being is in us, and we are saved because of it. We will not look for it outside of our self. It is not found in this organization or that dogma or doctrine. It is not found in a holy book, a holy trek, or even holy behavior. It is inside of us. It is us. From within each one of us it will reach beyond and everything we see will reflect the light that shines in us and in itself. We will not be tempted to look away from our self for our salvation. Jesus is in our heart and always has been and always will be. Jesus has extended Himself to us by giving us the Holy Spirit. This other stuff that tries to take the place of the Holy Spirit in our life has always been and always will be a big nothing. A waste of time and a bringer of unhappiness. It will steal my joy to go down other paths and try to make it shine. Bodies will always disappoint me. Memberships on this level are a sorry substitute for the Sonship of God. Seeking a sense of belonging in the ego realm can only be a sad and useless journey because we belong to the Brotherhood of Christ. Nothing here in this world will ever bring lasting joy or happiness. Efforts in this world and for the ego will bring nothing but heartache, loneliness, and emptiness. Salvation comes from within. Let nothing tempt us to look outside of ourselves for salvation. Do not let the world and all its devices and distractions interfere with our awareness of the Source of our salvation. Nothing has any power to remove salvation from us! Let our hearts be clean of all grievances we have toward all who has failed to give us salvation or teach us who and what we really are, O Most High. Our salvation breaks forth from within us when we forgive all of the substitutes that would stand in Your place, dear Father.
 A Course in Miracles. Workbook 85…Circle of Atonement, Complete and Annotated Edition (1992). p. 1099.